I Will Treat You Like Shit-24-m4w (San Francisco)Let me get this out of the way: I have visible tattoos, I'm told that I'm pretty cute, I'm well over six foot, I'm about 190 pounds, and I work out consistently. Ladies, you may be wondering at this point why someone like me wouldn't be out on a date right now. I think I have found the problem, and that is while I may be good looking, tall, toned, and an all around good guy, there are a few "flaws" in my character: I'm simply too nice, too educated, and I read too many fancy books.
Sometimes I regret that my parents instilled in me the urge to read voraciously and to pursue a career in law. I wish they had simply been dead beats living at the beach and surfed instead of working hard, then maybe I could use words like Bro and Fo Sho, I could have a faux hawk, killer abs, and act like an all round douche. Because at least then I could be a complete man whore and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
So this is my proposition: my usual habits, like opening and closing the door for you, pulling out your chair, complimenting your hair and meaning it, and just having all around respect for you - it's out the door.
I'll chase other girls, show up late, disrespect your parents and friends. I'll criticize every touchy girl issue (like weight) right to your face. I'll get a fake tan, a tribal tattoo, and a lifted truck. I'll party with my friends and spend money on alcohol instead of taking you out for a picnic in Golden Gate Park or getting frozen yogurt. I'll pop my shirt off more then Dennis from IASIP. I will only call you drunk at one in the morning for sex, and then not be able to get it up once you’re here because I'm too wasted.
So in short: I will act like a douche. I'll be the Archduke of Douche-berg. I will treat you like shit, you will put up with it, and tell your friends that there is "just something about him, he isn't always like that". In turn I get laid tonight and unlimited sex in the future at my time of choice until you find a nice guy like the former me who will actually appreciate you for the beautiful and unique woman you are, if your even that lucky.
In keeping with the aforementioned douche policy, fatties, uggos, and women who have any respect for themselves need not apply.
"We Are Douchebags" NSFW Audio
Related: Are You a Douchebag?