5/28/10

Deal Breaker


I don't Like You Already - 25 m4w (NYC)
A huge cup of coffee, a fully-charged battery and about an hour to kill. I'm telling you now, this is going to be long. So if you have trouble holding an attention span longer than that of say, a toddler, move on. I'll spell out all the details here instead of dating for two months and realizing we hate each other. Sound good?

Great...lets get started. If the sheer number of words on this page hasn't already driven 90% of you away, I'll see what I can do about that now:
  • Are you between 18-28?
  • Are you extremely intelligent, super-funny and ridiculously good-looking?
  • Are you a girl?
  • Really?
If you answered yes to these four questions, congratulations. Now get through the dealbreakers:
  • Village idiot.
  • Pathological liar.
  • Bi-polar disorder or any kind of insanity.
  • Anything involving unresolved daddy issues.
  • Leprosy.
  • Any diagnosed mental disorder where the recommended treatment was a small room with soft walls.
  • Low tolerance of dry humor or a non-existent sex drive.
  • Lack of motivation.
  • If you have dreams and you're chasing them like a rabid cougar, that's pretty damn cool.
  • If you sit around waiting for the Sunshine & Happiness Fairy to deliver them to your doorstep, that's not cool.
I won't even go into the you're-your-there-they're-their business. If you've made it this far, you are either:
A) smart enough to know the difference
B) really, really fucking bored.

Nothing is less attractive to me than just plain dumb. You could be the most beautiful girl ever to grace the evolutionary chain but if I can have deeper conversations with a potato, I just wont see it. On the other hand, if you look like a potato but you're exceptionally smart, we'll have the same problem. I want both. So would you. Be able to decipher sarcasm and dry humor. There will be a lot of it, and I tend to come off as an egotistical asshole at times, but I assure you, this is purely factual. Or maybe I have just the right amount of confidence.

I'm big on comprehension. People who listen instead of waiting to talk, look you in the eyes and connect with you in a conversation and are able to retain information generally are easier for me to get along with. If we were being attacked by mutant space babies and I needed to relay you the codes for the giant laser cannons to thwart the oncoming infant assault, I need you to remember it. I won't have time to repeat that shit back to you. It's 8675 by the way. If it hasn't already become blatantly obvious, I'm the poster child for attention deficit disorder. It's not even a deficit really, it's more like an "attention bouncing spastically around the room in the form of one of those super bouncy rubber balls." So, I know spacing out, trust me...but shit that matters I somehow manage to deal with.

I would actually be a little concerned if I were completely sane and normal. Have you been outside recently?

I don't want to be like these people. Normal is boring. However, I'm not going to curl up in the fetal position in a corner and scream obscenities in Turkish at you when I don't get my way. I'm also not going to lick ants off of the pavement or talk to trees. What I will do is take a completely different approach to something, push as many boundaries as possible, and generally do things that make most people say, "Look what this idiot is doing." That's my insanity. But it's the kind that wont get me 5-10 in state prison. I like danger, I like risk. Is the world really that serious? You realize none of this matters, and we're one block of iron away from disappearing faster than chocolate at a fat kid's birthday? Let me have my fun. I'll tell jokes about dead people (and yes, fat kids), make fun of tragic world events and even play "fetch the dollar" with a bum, but I'll never mail you sacrificial rooster heads...so there's that.

Call it whatever the hell you want, we all have our standards. Mine are as follows: I have always been attracted to, and attractive to, smart, creative, funny, athletic, mature, non-maniacal girls with their shit together. Crazy, I know. They have always had awesome personalities, and none of them have looked like Medusa. I'd like to continue that trend. Am I picky? Yes. Am I worth it? You bet your ass I am.

I just scrolled up. This is really long, so take your time, read it again, go throw up....whatever you need to do. I'll respond to qualified applicants tomorrow. Please don't let me go on any more dates with play-doh brains.

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