3/12/09

Listalo: 101 Reasons Still Single

A Hundred Reasons to Run Away Screaming- m4w (NYC)
I'm Thirty. I'm over six foot tall. I don't own a gun.

Here's a hundred things about me:

1. I've never killed a hooker in my life.
I'm probably never going to buy you a Ferrari.
I don't trade expensive jewelry for sex.
I do, however, trade head for head.
I'm over six feet tall and 'clean cut', whatever that means.
I'm brutally honest at all times.
I love to cook.
I'm going to hate your cat and make a lot of jokes about how to prepare him and serve him for Sunday dinner.

If you have a dog he will immediately start to like me better than he likes you. It's happened before.
10. I almost joined the circus when I was 17. Seriously.
I've never gone to bed with a midget, but if you get me drunk enough, I'll consider anything.
I'm employed full time
I have a car
My car is really gay looking
I have an apartment
The apartment looks gay too
I own a meat grinder, but I've never used it
Bring your cat, and we can fix that
I once saw a homeless girl blowing a homeless guy.
20. At first it made me happy that street people can find love.
Then I realized she was probably paying him for crack.
That made me even happier.
I have the entire weekend and monday free, with nothing to do
I really wish I could fall in love.
Hell, I'd settle for a second date
After all, love bites the big one
I've sent my picture to 35 different women
20 of them wrote back
2 of them told me they wanted someone rich
30. 5 of them told me I'm cute
Yet only 1 went on a date with me.
I've never been married
I have no kids, but I'd like ONE.
I'd like it to be a girl
I just wrote that so a dumb pretty girl would go "awww" and write me.
I saw an injured wasp yesterday. I could have killed it, but I kept walking.
I've talked with two gals from CL who are over 30
They were both pretty desperate to fall in love
I feel bad for desperate people and wish I could help.
But mostly just end up making fun of them.
With lots of name-calling and pointing.
Because anything worth doing is worth doing well.
I refuse to date anyone larger than I am.
I refuse to buy a microwave.
I never ever go to kiss a girl on the first date.
I think date number two is for kissing
Date number three is for hot drunken sex
Date number four is when i tell you I used to be a woman.
Just to see the look on your face
50. The perfect first date is somewhere public
If we decide to take my car, you have to promise not to make fun of it.
My last date was spent driving around aimlessly and talking.
She broke her promise and laughed at my car.
She stopped laughing when I showed her my meat grinder.
I keep the meat grinder in the trunk.
And that's where she was...
My last GF broke my heart
I don't know if I can ever trust anyone again.
I wonder sometimes if I'm a 'good' person.
60. Old ladies always ask me to help them in the grocery store, getting something off a high shelf.
My friends would bet money that I flip the old ladies off and keep walking.
But I always help them and I'm super polite.
When I'm out in the world, I notice women notice me.
But the hotter they are, the shyer I am.
I wish there was a universal signal for "I think you're cute and you should talk to me."
Because going up and showing you my penis never works.
I spend too much time alone.
I think a guy should pay for the first few dates.
I like Art.
70. I think very deep thought
If I can't find love, I'd love to find a girl who just wants to cuddle and talk in a dark room.
Intimacy doesn't mean you have to get naked.
Similarly, BJs also mean you don't have to get naked.
I got arrested once
I was really glad it happened
I scared a guy in the holding cell
Just because he was really small, and nervous
Not because I pinched his ass
Although I'm sure that didn't help matters.
80. It really ticks me off when people see my pics and never write back
It's like someone saying "You're so hideous, you're not even worth another word."
And it's ultra confusing, the next woman who says you're cute
And won't stop talking to you
After you find out she's a fat chick
I'd be up for meeting someone for coffee today
Or any day really
I'm getting so desperate, I might start writing these fat chicks back
I'm a much nicer guy than I sound here.
Funnier, too
90. My penis is average, and I'll never send you a picture of it.
I only do that to guys
I shave my head.
I have a small tattoo
I'm a hacker
I want to buy a girl a pair of cheap earrings.
And then kiss her softly
And tell her how beautiful she is
And then demand rough sex.
If you don't email me - none of that will come true

100. I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing...


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