3/18/09

Cucumbersome

**Editor's Note: Our friends at Urban Dictionary define the term, "cucumbersome" (kew-kuhm-ber-suhm adj.), as awkward in such a way that only a cucumber could fit. It also refers to someone being clumsy to the point having all efforts reduced to the skill and tact of a cucumber. On another note, most bag clerks at the grocery stores look at the women purchasing these and guess whether this chick is on a diet or if this thing is going where many men have gone before. On the other side of the token, cucumbers average seven inches and stay hard for a week. Plus many more reasons here. FYI minds in the gutter optional when reading this post.
Shocked by my cucumber-w4m-(Salt Lake City)
Look. English cucumbers go for $1.50 each at the Midvale Harmon's on 7th East. That's right. Each.

So while you were standing next to me gawking as I tried to find the biggest, individually, shrink-wrapped English cucumber, I thought I would just politely explain why I was being so picky. It struck me afterwards why you might have been a bit traumatized, Mr. Three Cans of Rock Star energy drink, 4 donuts, and one tub of potato salad, after I told you that "size really does matter, you know..."

$1.50 each! That means I pay the same for a short, stubby one. A crooked, bumpy one. A long, firm one. A soft, mushy one. An average-lengthen, chubby one... So yes, if I pay the same no matter what, I wanted a long, chubby, firm English cucumber for the money, thankyouverymuch.

But if you aren't too traumatized from our interaction, I'm single (and I'm guessing you are too, Mr. Three Cans of Rock Star, 4 donuts, and one tub of potato salad). Come on over and I'll feed you. Care for a salad? I can omit the cucumber...

Possible soulmate located in the "Missed Connections Section":
Cucumber girl at Safeway (SF)
I saw you at the Safeway last night as I was perusing the wine section. I couldn't help but take notice as you pretended to ponder between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Merlot (I should have told you that Ernest & Julio don't really differentiate between the two). I couldn't help but steal glances as you meandered along the wine section in search of that perfect bottle of wine to accompany whatever tasty meal you had planned. You were tall, maybe 5'10 or so, flowing dark hair that stopped around your shoulders, radiant blue eyes, snow white skin, and carrying a rather large cucumber in your hand.

I'm hoping the cucumber was an ingredient and not your date (especially since I have no appendages that compete with 14" vegetables).

Coffee?

Related: Iron Man Details Savory Past

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

FIRST! Gives Tossing the Salad another meaning.