1/25/09

Where there's smoke, there's fire

I Disappointed my Mom, Let Me Disappoint Yours as Well. - 28 (Austin)
Yep. Not only am I the guy your mom warned you about, I'm also still married (getting divorced, slowly). I don't particularly like women right now, either, but you're usually more fun to sleep with than my stuffed animals. Although they don't hog the sheets or try and claw me in the middle of the night from bad dreams.

I hate my job. I hate the single scene. I hate bars, dance clubs, and any place else where music is turned up so loud as to cause hearing damage (which is most "single" type joints). I hate cats. I hate stupid people. I hate reality TV shows. I hate paying for dinner with you meal whores so at this point it's dutch for the first date unless you manage to go down on me before we get to the restaurant. I'll probably hate you too after we break up, but before then we can at least have lots of sex and pretend to enjoy each other's company at the odd social occasion we spend not getting it on.

I like dogs. They're generally honest and loyal. Computers, since they work in a logical fashion (yes, this is true, you just need to realize that you aren't cognizant of the logic they use). Cars, since they're something you can fix when they break down.

About You:

Sassy, smart, funny, with a pretty face. I won't stare at your tits (but if your mom has a nice pair I might stare at hers until she takes the hint), so when I see you I have to like what I see. Sex drive has to exist. Must be capable of performing and receiving oral sex at least twice a month, preferably more.

No drama, aka, you're not looking for your baby's daddy, a replacement for Tom, your high school crush who left and never called, or Bob who had a 12" dick and made your guts hurt every time he tapped your booty doggy style. Try and at least be happy 2/3 of the time without prompting when you're around me.

Some physical capability, ie, you're not a sloth. Being able to walk a mile without stopping is a good minimum. Rock climbing, bicycling, softball, martial arts, or some other activities on at least a semi-regular basis are preferred.

No on going requirement for needy attention. Not overly clingy. that's the most annoying shit....a woman dragging on you when you're trying to get something done...around the house even. Just don't do it unless you're trying to get my weiner in your body.

Burping, farting, spitting, scratching myself, smacking your fine tush, a grope here and there in public, maybe more if you're into that sort of thing--none of that bothers you. Don't whine about me doing them. Try burping louder instead. Be proud of your farts. If you can make me leave the room you're doing something impressive. I promise.

You recognize that I, much like yourself, had a life and friends before we met, and just cuz you're sleeping with me now doesn't mean you're going to stop talking to them. You might even introduce me to them, even if I'd offend most of them.

Not that any of this matters, most of you are too psychotic to begin with. If you're taking more than three prescribed drugs for mental health, please don't reply. If you're constantly whining about your life, don't write. If you're just going to bitch at me, by all means send me an email so I can post it on my personal site for all my friends to laugh at.

And if you're really interested, by all means send me a note as well and we can chat and talk about why you're not scared off by this, and how cool you really are if that's the case.

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