12/29/08

Better Off Dead

I'm Preparing for a Time when Zombies Rule the Earth - 25- m4w(secret location)
Are you? If your answer is no, and you think I'm crazy, then I hope you enjoy prowling the earth and feasting on the flesh of the other unprepared humans. I warn you now, though your zombie brain will not remember, that I will end your suffering if you get too close to me and my band of survivors.

If you answered otherwise there may be a place for you within my new world order. I already have several positions filled, but we are always looking for people with skills that can be helpful to our future situation, and at the very least more females to assist in repopulating the planet. I won't divulge my plan here, as that would be essentially asking for bandits to raid our stronghold when the shit hits the fan, but should you be selected I would be required to fill you in on some of the details.

A little background on myself:

-I am not insane, not completely at least, possibly a bit delusional and definitely paranoid, but not insane.

-I am in the process of turning my body into a weapon of mass destruction.

-I am training myself to sleep lightly, with a machete in one hand and a hatchet in the other, while listening to the moans and wail of the walking dead.

-I am always watching the news for word of suspicious execution style deaths or disappearances, the first sign of an outbreak.

-I am in the market for an atv type vehicle, as I expect the roads to be littered with abandoned vehicles, makeshift barricades, and of course bodies of the unprepared.

-I am also looking for an ideal location to construct a stronghold, one that can be self sufficient for decades and easily defensible from zombies and bandits.

-I like video games, rock music, pizza, and I smoke cigarettes, all of which I am ready to give up in my bid for survival.

-I am prepared to destroy any zombie or afflicted human who impedes my progress towards my stronghold, regardless of personal emotion. That means if you get bit I will have to kill you. No hard feelings, I'd do it to my mother if it was needed.

-I am the leader of this particular survival effort, any insolence will be swiftly dealt with by a variety of means, including but not limited to, abandonment in zombie infested areas.

Basic requirements for all in my survival group:

-Fitness. We may have to travel hundreds of miles on foot and we may not be able to stop every time you get tired.

-Swiftness. You don't need to be a world class sprinter, but you need to at least be able to move quicker than a zombie.

-Intelligence. We are not on a zombie hunting mission, so be smart enough to not go out of your way to fight zombies.

-Fighting ability. There will almost certainly be attacks along the way, and you might have to hold your own until another member can assist you.

-Patience. This journey may take some time, and constantly asking "are we there yet?" will attract more zombie attacks.

-Positive outlook. Sure our situation seems grim, but being negative about it is only going to make you insane faster. I'm not expecting you to be overly optimistic about it, but keep your complaints to a minimum.

-Have a useful skill or be willing to learn one. Medical, gardening, martial arts, sniper, knitting, sewing, etc, there are many to choose from, and if you already know one please teach others.

-Mercy. People in our group may be bitten, and that will need to be dealt with. You should feel no sympathy for destroying someone in our group before they transform into a flesh eating ghoul.

-Leadership. If things go really bad you may need to step in for myself and other leaders who are bitten along the way.

-Honesty. If you are bitten you must let someone know so they can do what must be done.

-Fertile. We are going to have to repopulate the planet when we get to the stronghold you know.

-Not the jealous type. It would be unwise to assume that one male and one female would be able to repopulate on their own, so there will be other females coming along for breeding. Besides there would be all sorts of inbreeding if it was just us, and that's no way to start a new race of humanity. There will be other males though, so I wouldn't be angry if you chose another suitor.

There are other requirements, but this is a start. It would be good if you were one of the following, but not necessary:

-Wealthy: Zombie survival fund is a little low financially, if you could finance some of the needed supplies it would be helpful.

-Owner of a helicopter or other aircraft. This would help get people to our new home quickly and efficiently, allowing us to spend more time preparing for an extended siege and focus on the repopulation effort.

-Boat ownership could also be useful.

If you meet all, or at least most, of the requirements and don't wish to join the zombie ranks get in touch with me and we can start the process.


Related: One Eye & Half Torso

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