11/25/08

( I Wanna Hold You in Parenthesis )

Editor's Note: Parenthesis, the curved-bracket ( ), contain material that could be omitted without destroying or altering the meaning of a sentence. In college someone said that anything in parentheses will be skipped by readers. Then personal ad like the ones below break all the rules. You will be missing out if you skip over the brackets. (Really missing out! Love Ya Later!)
Vaginas Scare Me - 30 m4w (San Francisco)
(I tried to think of the worst title for an ad and I think I succeeded...)

At this point you must be thinking to yourself, "who is this guy? Why am I so intrigued?" Or maybe, "wow, this is really turning me on (nympho)," or even, "is this guy a lameass or what (bitch)?" I will have you know right now ladies, I am no lameass. I'm a totally awesome guy (liar).

I am looking for someone (hot female) with a lot of personality (sense of humor), looks (hot female), a tattoo of a unicorn, and a few extra bucks that I could borrow. Oh yeah, I might need to stay at your place for a little bit (they are watching me). Just kidding, you don't have to have a unicorn tattoo. (I do though)

If we meet and find each other attractive, I will put out on the first date (liar). But that's only if you promise to call me back. I don't want to be used. (Yes I do) I'm giving you ladies the opportunity to meet me, an extremely intelligent (smartass), funny (smartass), down to earth (I took a cold shower once), nice (I will call you the next day), kick in the pants kind of guy. This offer is for a limited time only for I foresee numerous droves of women flooding my inbox(I'll probably get one email from a dude, yuck).

One lucky woman (or two, if you are into that kind of thing) will be given the opportunity to meet and possibly date me (a totally awesome super rad guy). This is by no means a guarantee for sex although the possibility is there and that kind of behavior is encouraged (but discouraged from dudes).

The lucky woman (or women, again, if you are into that kind of thing) shall expect nothing more than to find a great guy who is a straight shooter with upper management written all over.

In closing I would like to point out that you need not look any further. All that is needed is a simple email explaining why you should be considered by me as a romantic hopeful. It's easy to do. By the way, email stands for "Electronic" mail. I'm sure you have heard of it.
or
I have Poopy Pants - 30
That title works every time. I knew it would get you here. (sick-o)

I was thinking (not about sex I swear) about all the lovely ladies (girls who like to be spanked) that read these ads everyday looking for a great guy (like someone not afraid to talk about poopy pants, right?). Well here I am. I'm totally rad (by totally rad I mean, the most awesome guy on craigslist).

I have a good job (I stopped selling crack in the tenderloin I swear), a nice car (I promise I don't have spinning rims), a lot of friends (do the animals at the zoo count) and a life of my own.

I'm not trying to sell you anything (email me, email me). I just thought it would be nice to let you ladies know that there really are great guys on CL (that's what someone said once I don't really know if it's true).

So if you are interested in getting to know me (we'll break out the edible underwear) then send me an email.

I'm a great guy (no felonies).

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