11/18/08

Critical Masshole

Read my reviews! - 38 (Boston)
"definitely the coolest guy in Massachusetts, if not the entire western hemisphere!"
---New York Times

"damn homie, he tha man homie"
---50 Cent

"humble as pie. really arrogant pie."
---The Montclarion

"shockingly brilliant, yet disturbingly smart-assed"
---Utne Reader

"i desire his friendship more than i desire bejeweled platinum jewelry"
---Rick 'superfreak' James

"the best writer since JD Salinger and DH Lawrence, hands down."
---"Amazon.com"

"sexier than robert plant and britney spears wrestling beneath a glorious waterfall of olive oil and glitter"
---Lance Bass

"more fun to listen to than most music, creed and dave matthews excluded"
---the guy from Creed and a guy who likes Dave Matthews

"he's bloody brilliant and raises his game all the time"
---Simon Cowell

"friendly as a kitten on ecstasy, minus the fur and glowstick"
---Cat Fancy

"i would come out of my secret hiding place just for a chance at his friendship."
---Sandy Koufax

"i'm just glad he lets us borrow his clothes"
---the cast from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'

"he rocks!"
---Hilary Duff

Unable to go eight minutes without a pop culture reference that clearly indicates his age of 37.

A delightful white lad who desires a woman with whom he can hang out with; zoom around the masspike; go to dive-y bars that have good music and strong drinks; watch things (such as people, movies, family ties, clouds, boiling water, growing grass, progressing politics, unfortunate fashion trends, the litter and scum layer that floats on Wollaston Beach, etc.); talk about cool books that we have read/are reading/pretend to have read ("yeah, i LIKED tom wolfe's first one, but it was his other one that really grabbed me"..."yeah i agree, but it's 'ulysses' that i come back to again and again"), likewise with music and interesting facts and general life observations...

please be able to spell, vote, name at least four world leaders, and tell when i am being sarcastic.

i look forward to making your acquaintance, new best friends whom i have yet to meet. we shall have so much fun. don't delay--i can hear the banging at the door, can sense my inbox swelling. act within a reasonable amount of time and receive a handy carrying case AND a limited edition musical plate that plays 'My Sharona.'
Editor's Note: Enjoy SNL Short/Skit "Everyone's a Critic" (slightly NSFW images)

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