10/1/08

Exambushed Personal Ad

Can You Pass My Test? - 30-M4W (NYC)
Yup, it's me again. Another hundred emails, still no dates.

At the very least, I've learned to deal with picture rejection remarkably well. I've just started to believe that upon seeing my picture, women are immediately moved to run somewhere and masturbate, then completely forget to write me back. That's how I'm gonna roll.

So, once again it's time for a nice multiple choice test to see if you score high enough to email me. Scoring and Ranking is at the end.

Question 1: You are?

A. Female
B. Transsexual
C. Don't Know
D. Penguin

Question 2: I'm 30 years old and looking for an LTR. You Are:

A. 25-35, looking for romance, long talks about silly stuff, and a desire to let me cook fabulous meals for you
B. 18-24, phenomenally easy, very dumb, and have an irresistible oral fixation
C. 35-40, beyond desperate, burning for children and marriage, and a little uptight.
D. 40-55, looking for a younger man to seduce and buy nice things for as long as I do that 'thing' you like.

Question 3: You meet a guy online, and you swap pictures. He's not the chiseled surfer dude with mile-wide shoulders you imagined.

So you:

A. Decide looks are unimportant, and agree to his feeble and dorky offer to buy you dinner.
B. Tell him he's a very funny guy and you're sure he'll find what he's looking for, because it sure as hell ain't gonna be you.
C. Forward the picture to all your friends with a caption like: "Look at this guy. He's sort of frog-like, isn't he?"
D. Never write to him again, delete the picture, destroy the computer, and burn down the house.

Question 4: When on a first date with a stranger, you most prefer the type of man who:

A. Pays for dinner, maybe opens a door for you, doesn't grab your chest and make honking sounds.
B. Stares inappropriately and intensely at nearby dogs.
C. Refuses to walk anywhere without his "Good-Luck Canoe.", which you must help him carry.
D. Sits there in complete silence except to occasionally mutter: "What can WE possibly have to say to HER?"

Question 5: Your "type" is:

A. Over six foot, shaved head, a complete dork, and needs to cut back on the carbs.
B. Plays Water Polo and wrestles wild rhino for charity
C. A violinist/butler/assassin who speaks French and is untrustworthy.
D. Billionaire Leader of a ruthless Drug Cartel.

Score your answers as follows:
  • Every A: Ten Points
  • Every B: Seven Points
  • Every C: Three Points
  • Every D: One Point
The highest possible score is fifty. The lowest possible score is five, unless you left some blank.

If you got:

0-4 - I think you're retarded
5-10 - If you talk to me, I'm calling the cops
10-20 - You forgot to take your pills today
20-30 - Send me your picture. If you're hot, I can overlook anything
30-40 - You and I need to talk a little. And have a lot of sex.
40-50 - You're obviously my soul mate. Dinner tonight?

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