9/30/08

The Illustrated Loser

Editor's Note: This is a real ad in its entirety complete with its original MS Paint images. (No photoshop love from us). Even if you don't read the ad, the pictures scream "possible death by cuteness". Plus, we know he is not joking about eating at Mc Donalds drive-thru.
Let me explain myself this way-38--m4w (Boston)
OK, I promise you this will be a fun ad. Really. How do I know? Well, for one, because I wrote it. And for another, because it has pretty pictures. Hooray for Hollywood!

Ready, set go...
First up. Here's a simple geography lesson that I hope they taught you in elementary school, if not, let me refresh you memory:
There's the Earth. Pretty, isn't it? There's Massachusetts, to the right of the Earth. Not to imply that Massachusetts isn't actually a part of the Earth, which it is - that's more of a close-up for your knowledge. That red star is approximately Cambridge, which is where I currently reside.
I have many interests. Here are my attempts at a few of them:
Did you match up the interests correctly? The right answers are: 1-c 2-e 3-a 4-b 5-d

Additionally, I enjoy cooking (yes, a man who likes to cook! However, I could not depict chicken cacciatore, so I didn't try), watching reruns of "the West Wing" and "Scrubs," and reading. I used to read a lot more than I do now.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Damn. This guy sounds pretty cool. However, I would bet that he is not interested in me."

My response would be, "please try not to begin sentences with the word 'damn'." However, view this next picture:As you can see, I am interested in intelligent, funny people of all hair and eye colors (provided they have huge red mouths). Of course physical attraction is part-and-parcel (did I just use that phrase?) with the other necessary aspects of a healthy, long-term relationship, but I have very eclectic tastes, so why don't you give it a shot?

This is the part where I ask you to send a picture with your response. Not because I think I will get so many replies that I need to weed people out, but because I don't want to play the "blind date" game, where we stand in front of the restaurant like idiots waiting for someone who might look vaguely like our mental image of the other person. Thanks.

Some other specifics:
On the left side are the "ok" quirks:
  • You drink. That's ok. I drink sometimes, too. I don't get hammered every Thursday through Sunday, and I'd prefer if you didn't, but I also am not a Mormon (it's ok if you are).
  • You wear glasses. I dig glasses. As long as they're not the huge blue plastic frames that I had when I was in 8th grade. Where did you find those? I've been looking for them.
  • You're a student. That's cool, too. Unless it's "high school student." That's illegal.
On the right side you will note some "less acceptable" quirks:
  • You smoke. I don't dig that. Smoking makes me cough, and coughing is no fun.
  • You have giant buck teeth. I've got no problem with people who don't have perfectly straight/white teeth, but I'm not a huge fan of bad dental hygiene. Please brush your teeth - your dentist will like you.
  • You are dead, or undead. Zombies and vampires, please buzz off.
Of course, if our online courtship turns into a pleasant phone conversation or two, please expect that I will ask you out. That is what I might do.
Walks are fun. I also like the Aquarium and the Museum of Science. We could also ride bikes somewhere (like along the Esplanade), provided that you have a bike. We could also visit the MFA, which is represented above by the worst "painting" ever. In fact, it's so bad, I had to put the word "painting" in quotation marks.

Anyway, we would do something fun. We could also meet for dinner, coffee, or a drink. These are fun activities.

Finally, we come to the end of the date.
It is entirely possible that I will do something to piss you off. This happens rarely, but it's happened. You will probably not slap me, but I won't discount the possibility.

However, perhaps the date ends amicably. We will shake hands and part ways. Lovely.

Or, things go very well. Before the date ends, we're making plans for a second date. In this case, we might kiss goodnight. This would be a viable option, and I think we would like it very much.

The fourth option is that a huge, red question mark falls on us.

Regardless of whether you think I might be your type, I hope that you have enjoyed reading this monstrosity of a posting or you could try something different and drop me a line.

Maybe we can have some tea and crumpets at the McDonald's drive-thru (just kidding). By the way, I'm a fun lovable single white male age 38.

related:: Hello, little girl.

No comments: