8/11/08

Stalkertunity Available Now

Stalker Needed - Min. 2 Months - 27 - (Dallas) m4w
I am in desperate need of a stalker, for at least the next 2 months...(possibly longer if everything goes well). I am a 27 year old white male, who is fluent in english.

Said stalker will NEED to do things such as:

  • Random voicemails accusing me of cheating

  • Love notes written in creepy handwriting with a crayon, professing your undying love for me, left on the windshield of my car

  • Driving down my street and later deny it violently even though I was standing by the road looking right at you. Just because you don't make eye contact when I catch you doesn't mean it didn't happen

  • Call my parents and tell them you're pregnant. When they ask who it is, giggle and hang up

  • Wear a wig and shades...watch me with binoculars from 20 feet away every time I check the mail
Most importantly....improvise...there's nothing like someone banging on your bedroom window in the middle of the night

I will need these services performed at least twice a week. One of those days must be a Tuesday. If you can't do a Tuesday, skip that week altogether. In lieu of the Tuesday night rule, you may send mail postmarked on a Monday that arrives no later than Wednesday, and leave a "trinket" in my freezer while I'm not at home - no exceptions. All rules may be ignored if stationary with tears and perfume are involved

I will provide you with my address, access to my apartment, my phone number, name, and work address.

Stalking is over only if I actually decide to take you back.

For your services, you will receive:

  • 1 autographed picture of Dave Coulier
  • 1 Judge Judy DVD
  • 7 cans of tuna fish
  • The opportunity for me to take you back

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would like the stalking to begin as soon as possible.

Rewards are negotiable.

cat

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