8/13/08

Accidentally on Purpose

Do You Like Rodeo Accident Videos? - 32 (Portland)
Cause I do..........

Hi Ladies! I’m a cynical alcoholic seeking a woman of flexible morals and low self esteem. I considered requesting a down to earth well adjusted girl, but that would most likely get boring pretty quick. I’m looking for a semi-long term dysfunctional relationship. I could reasonably commit to a 6 month to two year stint before we both learn to hate each other. I have a bizarrely retarded sense of commitment, so even though you’re clearly bat shit crazy, I’ll probably stick around for at least 6 months deluding myself into thinking you’re not that bad

Here are a few things to consider. I don’t like your kids. Yes, I’m aware I haven’t met them yet, but I’m fairly certain that I won’t like them. Plus, I’m really not a good role model at all. I drink, smoke, swear, and rarely pick up after myself. Therefore if your name is “Mom” you’re gonna have to sit this one out. Abortions and miscarriages are OK. Though you are not allowed to have either just for the sake of responding to this ad.

I don’t appreciate large woman. I will however, make an exception if you are AMAZINGLY strong (and I do mean AMAZING…goddamnit). Amputees and burn victims are OK.

I don’t condone it, but it would hardly surprise me if you were a cutter. Luckily for you, I’m trained in first aid. Just keep you fucking razors to yourself. You can’t begin or end sentences with the word “dude,” but let’s face it, you’re not gonna do what I say anyway………so I guess I don’t really care.

Strippers say I’m good looking. I know how to cook. I’m taller than you. I can reach things that you want that are in high places. Double jointed thumbs. I think it’s sexy when you say words like “arson.”

Your picture gets mine. I need to see if you look like I stalker. Yes………I am able to tell just by looking at you. In the event that I’m unsure I may ask for a $40 deposit on the restraining order I’ll eventually be filing against you.

Sincerely,

The Man of Your Dreams

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