Bird Brain

If I Had a Falcon - 28 m4w
If a falcon were to fly down, perch on my arm, and call me master...here's what I'd do. I mean, it's a given that you'd want to have sex with me - but I want to work for it.


The first thing I would do is work out non-stop and get ripped out. Like high school football team ripped out. You girls like that shit.

Then, I would tan until I was extremely bronzed. You girls would basically crack your hymens to get this Romanian hunk. The falcon would keep you at bay.

And then there's you. I see you eating lunch at some yuppy "we import mushrooms from fucking Taipei" restaurant where Daniel McDouchebag rambles on about his bullshit day of trading junk bonds in the Chinese market with the pressures of the rising price of the Euro - and the deep impact it has on the United States economy.

You seem bored. You are. My falcon found you. I found you.

We catch eyes. Perhaps it was my rippling biceps and quivering buttcheeks. Maybe it's the Braveheart sword I bought on ebay. Maybe it's the falcon with blood red eyes.
I charge.

I leap in the air with my war call and slice down in one motion. His arm hits the ground - spraying purple and red plasma in every directions. He screams like a bitch. The bitch he is.

I stand over him and look at you for approval. You nod. He rests in peace with other men who have fallen before him.

I grab you roughly. Close. I reward myself with a long awaited kiss. You pull away and wipe away a stream of blood running towards my eye. You smile.

I pick you up with one arm. You on the left, the falcon on the right. You rest your head on my shoulder, playfully running your fingers through my hair. I carry my prize - you - every so gently to my apartment on Divisadero and Page - where emaculate love making takes place. The falcon approves.

If I had a falcon - this is what I'd do for you. I'd be your protector, your warrior, your savior.

If only I had a falcon.

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