3/26/08

Vodkaleptic Break Up Letter

Dearest Grey Goose--39 (Raleigh)
Dearest Grey Goose:
We have been friends for many years now, and for the most part we tend to get along well. We usually see one another a couple times a week, and it's pretty much a given we are hanging together on Thursday nights. I'm not putting full blame on you, but you do have a tendency to push me too far sometimes. (i.e. make drunk phone calls to the ex(s), tell my worst enemy how we really should be best friends, make me spend the early hours of the morning in the bathroom with my head in the toilet).

I have to tell you my friend, last night you really out did yourself.

I know you and your good friend Soda Water like to mix it up and slide down my throat very easily. Why do I let you take over? After I had my 6th cocktail of you and your friend, I forgot that I was even hungry and so I kept on hanging with you. We were having a good time...you, me, our friends...everyone laughing....THEN we met 'her.' Thanks to you good buddy, I don't remember 'Her' name. Now, I'm not proud of this but things could have been worse, and another thanks to you...it did get worse. At least at the time, it didn't seem all that bad.

So, after a few more rounds of you and Soda, 'Her' asks me "you want to leave and go back to my hotel room?" I'm a far from innocent, and I have had my moments of feeling like a cheap whore, but I usually can resist temptation. At this point, you jumped in and your voice came pouring out of my mouth "Sure." OK, so I'm not against a hook up, it had been a few weeks and I was horny, so I wouldn't have been all the upset with you had you let it stop there. But NOOO! You just had to continue you.

Her (fuck I wish I knew her name) and I hope in the cab and we're off to the Hotel. At this point I get the strong urge inside me to open my phone and call the ex. I (yes, me!) take control for this brief moment and think...Hmmmmm! Do you really want to call the ex with “Her” sitting next to you? ...of course not, so I text messaged her instead. After the drunken text message of something probably along the lines of "I’m sorry, I miss you and am still in love with you” ..I put down my phone on the seat like I do in my car.

Guess what Mr. Goose? IT WASN'T MY CAR. So now we have no phone. I can't call my friends to arrange to meet up with them, which means I probably won't be seeing much of you either (that's another topic of its own), I can't call my family, I can't call my friends and I can't call the ex. I know this is my fault for relying on that damn phone so much, but why did you let me digest so much of you last night????

Did it stop there?

Of course not! You know Grey, I'm a good guy. I work hard, try and be a good person, respect other people and try to just enjoy my life. I have NEVER done an illegal drug, just never had the urge to do so, so why is it that last night you convinced me illegal drugs were OK? And why for the LOVE OF GOD did you convince me ecstasy was the smart thing to do? In case you forgot, I'm a 39 year old guy with the sex drive of a 16 year old (to quote popeye, I am what I am). So now after 4 orgasms and 6 hours, I still have that …”need”. Thanks my friend!

Did we stop there?

OF COURSE NOT!!! After doing the walk of shame out of a hotel, having to explain to the nosey cab driver that No! I wasn't on my way to work, I was on my way home, I walk in the house only to be be EXTREMELY horrified. My visiting gay friend takes one look at me and says "OH MY GOD!" "You whore!" "Look at your neck!" I have two HUGE hickeys on my neck. Why didn't you let me feel this happening. I am FAR TO FUCKING old for this Vodka.

How do I explain myself now? I haven't had a hickey in 15 years. Please, Please, Please tell me why? People at work do not need to know what I have been doing the night before. This is unacceptable G.G. and I' thinking our friendship might have ended last night. I cannot tolerate this kind of behavior. Like I said, I'm not blaming you entirely, but Jesus! Why do you have to taste so good? We won't be speaking for a while and I hope one day we can be friends again.

Thanks for leaving me with no phone and hickeys. What a friend!

Until we speak again..... I am going to try and meet people without your help.

Maybe the poster should check out this handy Hickey Removal video:

How To Get Rid Of A Hickey

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