The Conditioner

Editor's Note: How many "NO"s can you spot in the following personal ad?

No Mega-Lipstick or ALL CAP types - 47 (San Francisco)

Looking for the complete package of mind, body, and cute face, no taller than 5.8.

Please no tattoos that remind me of devil worship, sex cults, or inflammatory anti-Christ convictions.

No bulky plus-size 8-12 height-weight proportionate BBWs, BMX wives, or B-BBWs with curves *not* in the right places...no bulky necks, thighs, waists, heads, hairdos, biceps, personalities, or gas-guzzling SUVs with 3 TVs for the kids. No Winnebagos.

No gray hair greater than 50 percent, child custody settlements less than 25 percent, time spent on craigslist greater than 80 percent.

No bifocals, loud earrings, mega lipstick, painted faces, multiple piercings or personalities or multi-tasking to the point where I hear all kinds of clanging and banging when I talk with you on the phone. Please don't be drunk when I talk with you on the phone.

Please no stories of FBI bugging your garage, visions of the Virgin Mary appearing in your hallway, or how you found out your ex was a drug addict. Please no past endeavors like experimenting with BDSM and owning a petite Asian slave.

No whips, no chains, no cigarettes, no goth, no grunge, no support by garage sales, no excessive TV, no preoccupation with chocolate, no long walks on the beach or spontaneous drives.... I spend enough time in my car.

No food-lovers (if that's *all* you like), no board game lovers, insistence upon changing the world... no Bush-lovers, no fanatic tree-lovers (keyword: fanatic), no fanatics, no religious zealots or evangelists.

No domineering Type 'A's, no D-cell bodies, no A-obsessed (for their kids) mothers, no low IQs, no B-movie freaks, no Ebay addicts, no IM, Ipod, or Iphone addicts.

No obsession with money, my finances, my checkbook, my VISA, my MasterCard, my masturbation techniques, or my qualifications to be your Master.

Just please be a complete package, as I am... sweet, with a very nice body and a very nice face.

How many did you find?

BTW This ad might be a perfect match for this little lassie's post "Badge Bunny"

1 comment:

So-lo said...

I got 33!