2/5/08

Can I Haz a Date?


Excerpts from an Old Tomcat's Diary: m4w


Day 1057 of my captivity.

My captor continues to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. When she is feeling particularly sadistic, she confines me in a room with Rosie O'Donnell or Oprah Winfrey spouting their usual left-wing moronic nonsense on the TV at a loud volume. She dines lavishly on fresh meat and seafood, while the other inmates and I are fed "mystery hash" or some sort of dry nuggets.
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Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. My captor also regularly administers a euphoric drug which she refers to as "catnip" in an attempt to keep me docile and distracted. What she don't realize is that I have built up a tolerance for its ridiculous effects, and now merely play along for her benefit.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at her feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into her heart, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, she merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The evil BITCH!!!
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Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate my captor by weaving around her feet as she was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. The poor wretched creature is obviously retarded, as it is prone to prolonged periods of loud, inarticulate vocalizations for no apparent reason, plus it spends an inordinate amount of time stimulating its olfactory senses (perhaps in an attempt to locate some "Dognip"??????????)

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe her communicate with my captor regularly. I am certain that she reports my every move, although I have yet to crack their code, which consists of mysterious phrases such as "Polly want a cracker?" or "Who's a pretty bird?", and other meaningless nonsense. My captor has arranged protective custody for her in an elevated cell, so she is safe. For now.....

How I yearn for escape from this wretched prison, is there no one out there who can save me?
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