10/9/07

Easier than ABC?

Note: This is the actual personal ad with some of its 25 plus photos. Dare we ponder is if the poster has too much free time on his hands?

I like my sex like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken - 29

A little breast, a little thigh, and then hot gravy all over the biscuit.

Okay, if you're still reading this, that was a joke. Ha ha. I'm not a perv, I'm a nice guy.

And now an A through Z of what pleases me:

Artichokes

I like a food that gives you a workout. And it's the only time it's acceptable to just dunk something healthy in a giant glop of mayonaisse.
I'm a master as scooping out my innards and presenting you with my heart. Awwwww.
Baseball

I like a sport you can listen to while doing housework. Going to Giants games are cool. I love paying 9 dollars for 12 ounces of beer.
Cooking
Oh yeah. So cooking is fun, I learned all my skillz from mom. You want breakfast in bed? Hell, I'll cook you dinner in bed if you're that horny. Calm down, girl! *hits you with limp celery*
Dumbo
He was an underrated elephant. I mean, I've seen a horse fly. I've seen a dragon fly. I've even seen a house fly. But holy shit, that's a goddamn elephant.
I mean, you gotta give him props. He had a fucked up childhood and he's all getting abused by the circus people.
Bambi had some privileged life in the meadow, at least he got to see his mom. Dumbo was all orphaned out.
Underrated elephant, that's all I'm saying. Ganesha my ass.
Ewoks

I bet these cute little furballs would make good shish kebabs. Yub nub indeed.
Football
I like football, especially the playoffs. In February, I actually get depressed for a week or two. It's like losing a child. Or a leg. Or a child's leg.
Grapefruit
I love me some grapefruit. I recently discovered grapefruit juice, which is like grapefruit, only without the peel and a little more viscous.
Hiking
I like going up the hills. I have a nice-looking pair of legs. San Francisco has a lot of hills. You do the math, Nostradamus.
Ipod
I'm generally against all things Apple, but it was a gift.
Anyway, it's a giant step up from the portable-CD-4-CDs-for-the-road-in-my-backpack-so-its-hands-free caravan I used to have going on.
I like all kinds of music, I have a lot of it. I'll hook you up, I'm like Napster, except Lars Ulrich isn't all pissed off at me.
Joe
Gotta have my coffee. I take it black, like my men. I'm also part of the exclusive crowd that enjoyed Joe Vs. The Volcano.
I like brewing up a pot of coffee and then watching Joe Vs. The Volcano. And then it's like the coffee is Joe and I'm the volcano.
Kubrick

Probably my favorite director, among many. His films are eye candy, and I'm diabetic, motherfucker.
Lost
Previously on Lost...
Movies
I was a film major, so yeah, I like 'em all. Old, new, whatever. I try and make an effort to see every film worth seeing.
And nothing else is able to give me goosebumps. Not even unprotected group sex with geese.
Netflix
It's the best invention ever. I also like catching up on all the HBO shows for which I'm too cheap to spring.
I'm gonna get dressed up as a red Netflix envelope this Halloween, and then find my way into my mailman's pocket.
Old People Eating Ice Cream
You can't beat that with a wiffle ball bat.
Peaches
If I landed on a deserted island where all that grew were wild peaches, I'd probably build a woman out of sand and try to raise a family there.
Queen
They start with Q and I like them. It's not brain salad surgery, Nostradamus.
Riting
These days my writing has been focused on making people laugh. But I did write a crappy novel when I was 16. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, S.E. Hinton!
Sharks
These sea predators terrify me. Even in swimming pools I have the fear that a shark will get me, and my can of mace would not help me one bit.
Terodactyls
These are like my favorite dinosaurs, after the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
UC Santa Barbara
It's where I learned how to make a hash pipe out of a My Little Pony Pez dispenser received my formal training.
Video Games

I'm actually afraid of Warcraft. These days, I try not to get into any video games that suck my time dry.
Oldschool Nintendo, though. Up up down down left right left right B A Start. But now that you're here... Up up down down left right left right B A Select Start. Two player action. I'm such a gentleman.
Wine
I recently visited a vineyard up in Napa County and I couldn't help but notice that they had square grapes, not round grapes.
I asked the wine steward "What the fucking fuck?" and he was all "This is where they make boxed wine."
And then we shot Old Yeller over a beer.
XXX

Yeah.
Y
ahtzee
Five dice in a cup? Holy shit, Martha. Call the patent office!
Z
oom


You can't help but think these kids were robots built by the Russians to slowly poison our youth with their fanatical enthusiasm


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