I am the Phantom of Craigslist! I am all flash of cape and puff of smoke. My Seamen are first class and excellent swimmers. I am a shy guy. I spend my days in a California haze, knowing that women are best made slippery and pliable by intrigue.
But I'm a sweet little pup, really. Won't you adopt me? Whimper, whimper.
My friends describe me as a ray of sunshine. I'm sick of the bar-scene--are you?--Me too!! And me three. I'm shy to warm up, but when I do I am a social butterfly. I spread my beautiful multifarious wings and everyone is like, Wow, you're so pretty, and you fly and alight on things and ideas so gently, and your wingspan is so well-endowed.
I lied about my age. I am actually 26 and a half. I like to express my age in little kid manner. I am the Phantom!
I am the boy who would drop his pencil in math class to bend down and get a peek at that triangle of panties between your knees. And then doodle your name in my spiral notebook with my tears. I am the dream that was dreamt and then plummeted into a terrible hell of no return.
Among my body hair formations I possess a happy trail. The trail of happiness leads to the trail of tears. Tears of joy and ecstasy. Won't you tred the long and lonesome miles with me, young seductress?
Here is what I am looking for. My leading lady will be scintillatingly hot. She will have buns of steel and a heart of white chocolate. --In all seriousness though, I want a girl who will hold me to her bosom and stroke my cheek, a girl who will remove my mask gently and gaze upon my broken splendor and say, "Yes...yes. I see you now." A girl who will tell me that everything is all right, that I do not need to be so unseen and full of stealth and magic all the time. Only then, dear heart, can I be your man.
--Until then, I am the Phantom.
Ha! Ha! the Phantom strikes again!