Mind on My Money?

**Editor's Note: Please note the poster's admission of being "educated" but lacking of basic spelling skills. Also, we decided to include the actual photo that was published with this listing. Classy!

WHO WANT TO MARRY THIS MILLIOAIRE? - 31-M4W (SF)

AND YES IM REAL AND SERIOUS. IM 31, SELF EMPLOYED, FINANCIALLY WELL OFF, EDUCATED, WELL TRAVELLED, AND LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT PERSON TO SETTLE DOWN WITH. PLEASE SEND A PIC.

Match.com-Jon Gosselin (Video)

From Funny or Die checkout the profile parody "Match.com-Jon Gosselin"

Match.com-Jon Gosselin - watch more funny videos

Wanted Mr. Clean

I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes - w4m (Seattle)

I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun?

Now here is the deal. You must do my dishes, and I am very particular about how clean they must be. I really hate doing them, but when I do, they are squeaky clean (you should be able to get that squeak when your fingers rub against my tupperware), so you best be able to handle that. After that, I'll happily ride the shit out of you or let you fuck me from behind. Really, all positions are open to debate.

I can handle a few grammatical errors in an email, but if you come off as sounding as though you cannot write a coherent sentence, it's a total turnoff. As for hygiene, I do not need someone who has a major case of OCD, but guys, let's be honest. You need to bathe more frequently than women do, and if you do not maintain a regimen of bathing, brushing and flossing your teeth, and wiping your ass, can I truly trust you to wash my dishes? I would insist on seeing tasteful photos of you, and I'll enjoy throwing your dick shot photos into my new shredder and then into my trash folder.

Extra Credit, Yo?

Why you want to date my face off, in 7 easy reasons - 29 (Boston)

I am the embodiment of the word "Dope" (that doesnt count as a reason!) I couldn't think of anything more apropos than a top seven list because top ten lists are amazing.

1. whiskey:
I drink a wonderful brown elixir (see: whiskey as a substitute for water. 8 glasses a day. it makes me smarter, stronger, and more attractive by the glass. (it also tends to make fat girls skinny, and ugly girls hot, and anything that talks to me close to closing time a supermodel, so it has its drawbacks.) I'll ether die before I'm 30, or live forever. wouldn't you like to see which?

2. I'm a writer:
Snooty writer friends are good to have, because they (we) are assholes and sneer down their (our) noses at everyone. calling them neat things like philistines and troglodytes. when you see them (us) trash everyone but you, you'll get the warm fuzzies.

3. I'm fucking cooler than the last guy you dated.
I wear cool clothes, have cool hair, go cool places, know cool people, have cool dogs, live in a cool neighborhood, listen to cool music, and do cool things.

It's a little sickening really.

4.My name rhymes with cool things:
Which is super important if i ever decide to branch out into the underground hip-hop circuit. you never know, right? i'd hate to try to be rhymin' shit with Herbert, or Leslie. those are punk-ass names. for serious.

5. Kung Fu:
I don't KNOW kung fu per se.... but I know about it and I wish I knew it which makes me better than 69% of the population.

6. I'm tall:
Need someone to reach something off a tall shelf? I'm your man. you never again have to worry about wearing tall heels on a date, or the boy you're having drinks with thinking less about hanging out with you, and more about the ad he saw for shoe inserts in the back of details magazine that could make him 3 inches taller.

7. I like the finer things in life:
I don't have many, but I like the shit out of them all.


ok so tell me about how fucking dope you are, and why we would have an awesome time. also, include a picture. you don't get to be this big of a cocky asshole without setting a few standards. no pic, no response.

My picture is attached..(as if you needed any more convincing. You're totally sold. I can feel it. maybe I'm Psychic!)

REASON 8! I'M FUCKING PSYCHIC!!! xtra credit, yo.

The Woman Whisperer

**Editor's Note: Thanks to reader, nofun, for spotting this "service personal" ad.

In Search of a BITCH to Tame - 35 m4w (Houston)

Are you a bitch and need to be tamed? Want a man to take you and make you his slut? Have your will broken make you do his?

No matter how much of a fight you put up I'll get past your defenses.