Spreadsheets

Editor's Note: We heart Graph Jam! Graph Jam is brought to you by the lovely folks that created the LOL Cat craze. According to the site, you can make your own chart using their Graph Builder or upload your own files, images, or videos. Best of all, every charts is user-submitted. We decide to profile some of the charts related to love and dating! Enjoy!


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Let Down Lady

I Will Disappoint You-w4m (San Diego)

Shortly, very shortly, you will figure out that I am a total loser. As much as I tried to prepare you for the *shock*, I know you will still be surprised. I am an indecisive, overly sentimental, insecure, sexually fucked-up, beautiful L-O-S-E-R.

Right now, I know you are thinking wonderful things about me, but soon enough you'll figure out that i S-U-C-K, and then you'll leave me. And I'll let you go away without a peep, because I knew from the beginning that you'd leave so there's no surprise. The biggest surprise is that you stuck around longer than I thought you would.

But do NOT doubt that I will TOTALLY disappoint you in EVERY way.

Oh, and I cannot cook, either, which you'll find out when you open my empty fridge and see only salad dressing and packets of ketchup and salsa. And I talk to my dog all the time when I'm alone. I don't make my bed E-V-E-R (other than changing the bedsheets weekly), except when my parents come over. I do laundry and clean my home, but I like my privacy so I'll probably never ask you to come over and see it. I lie about being busy on the weekends because usually I'd prefer to watch TV until 2am.

Oh, and I've slept with 10 men but, if you ever ask, I'm gonna say 5. Not only do I eat cold pizza, but instead of putting it in the fridge after I eat a slice, I leave the pizza on the kitchen counter for a couple days and pick at it, room temperature (hell, the processed cheese alone will prevent it from rotting, right?).

I don't shave my legs or underarms unless I'm going to be seen naked. Otherwise, I just wear my jeans and a longsleeve t-shirt. I smoke cigarettes, but have lied to you and said I hated tobacco. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and if it's missing I stay awake all nite. I like going to tanning salons, yes I know I'll get skin cancer, but I love the warm womb of the tanning beds.

Ah yes, you like how thin I am? I take tons of diet pills. Yes, I know the pills are even worse than the tanning beds, but I hate so many foods that it's easier. Oh, and your "favorite" restaurant that I say I love: it really sucks and i HATE the food there. But I'm sure as hell not going to cook for you!

And my last confession: I really like you more than I want to say. You're the first guy since 1993 that I think about constantly and play little games like adding Mrs. [my first name] to [your last name], etc. But you'll never know, cause I'm too embarrassed to tell you, even when you kiss me and say you love me. Because i SUCK, and I'd rather go down in a Blaze of Stoic Glory than be cast aside after I've admitted that I love you. Because it's only a matter of time before you discover these, and so many other, pitiful things about me and hit the Road and I'll never see you again.

Absolut Slut

Sick of Showering Alone with Vodka Martinis m4w

So I was in the shower this morning, having a vodka martini while washing my hair, and I thought "wouldn't it be great if I had a girl to do this for me?"

I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini...I can do that myself...

So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue. You didn't know Starbucks did that? Well you've probably never asked. Try it next time.

I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work... then opened up Craigslist and started to write.

So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition...

• While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water... I'm a goddamn hero!

• I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding.... who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?

• I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first four wives.

• Everyone hates mimes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there'd be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent's chubby Greek cleaning lady... how come no one makes a movie about that?

• My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay her, partially because I keep getting her name wrong. I'm bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Betty, Sally, or Billy-Jo, don't be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place.

• Don't worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same girl twice. You wouldn't ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you?

• I get mistaken for Tom Cruise almost everywhere I go. Not Tom Cruise the actor, Tom Cruise the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!)
  

Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same.

* Don't be blonde. I'm bored of blondes in this town (like any of you are really blonde anyway... pfft... Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural colour.) Sure blondes have more fun... but brunettes try harder, and I respect a woman who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.

* I don't care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I'll drive to Brossard (well... it'd have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.)

* I'd prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend.... Look... I'm not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I'm like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!

Well... that's it for me.
Smell ya later...

PS. If I've piqued your curiosity, you should know that it's Ok for you to email me. I won't tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends and don't you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk?

PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a dress, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work.

PPPS.Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident".

Analytical Dating

Personal Ad in Graph Form- W4M (Sydney)

(*click to enlarge)

Michael Jackson Death Themed Personal Ads

**Editor's Note: Over the years, SPA has collected personal ads and dating profiles themed on current events: Wall Street, Pig Flu, or Natural Disasters. The below collection capitalizes on the sudden death of Michael Jackson. One single is trading sexual favors for Jackson's memorial service tickets. Please note only the "outgoing and busty" should apply. Another is simply comparing drug addictions. Lastly, a single trying to "pay tribute in a new interesting way."**

MONDAY NITE OF FUN & EXCHANGE FOR MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL SERVICES - 35 M4W (LA)

1 extra ticket for that special someone to join me to Michael Jacksons Memorial Services. You be willing to join me Monday nite and be open to adult fun then join me Tuesday morning to the Memorial Services at Staples Center. You must be outgoing and busty. Send photo for quick reply.

or

Well at least I'm not a diprivan addict - 42 M4W(SF)

Wow, Michael Jackson has really raised the bar on drug depravity. I mean this is the stuff we use in the hospital to keep people in comas for weeks on end. What are parents supposed to tell their kids now? "Come on dad, give me a break. Michael Jackson was a diprivan addict and he was beloved by millions the world over, what's a little [insert drug of choice here]?"

Me, I'm more moderate in my appetites. If you too are moderate in your appetites, and enjoy other music in addition to the music of Michael Jackson, maybe we should go out.

Please no diprivan addicts. (I mean really Michael, diprivan? Really?)

or

Tribute to Michael Jackson - 28 M4W (Boston)

Ladies, I am searching to live out a fantasy, I would like to make hot passionate love set to the background music of the late great Michael Jackson. If you are a fan and would like to pay tribute in a new interesting way send me a message.

PS. Our favorite Jackson song! Celebrate the music. RIP.